what if he changes-01

What If He Changes?

One of the hardest things to reconcile in your heart is "What if He changes?" If you leave and he changes then all that pain was for nothing.

I know how it feels to love someone and hold onto hope that one-day things will get better. I have been there. I know you really want this all to work out, I know you had big dreams for your marriage and for your family.

You have heard it more than once, I am willing to bet. When there is a fight one of two things happens, 1. It is denied or 2. He says how sorry he is and promises to change. 

The confusion deepens when the same situations repeat themselves.

You Know He Can Change

People change all the time. And then you start telling yourself…

  1. He just needs some time. 
  2. He needs help, this would be a lot for anyone.
  3. Things keep getting in the way that set him back.

While these can have some truth they’re not the sole reason that there has been no change. And reasoning like this lets him off the hook. He may seem like he is taking responsibility because he ends up saying how sorry he is. When time passes and you start to make excuses then you are the one letting him off of the hook. And he is allowing it to happen- because he doesn't want to be there either.

Being let off the hook just perpetuates the cycle, and it happens again and again.

He Says He is Sorry

After fights, name-calling, and tantrums, there are always apologies. He’s sorry for what he does to you and your children and he’s not happy with the way he acts sometimes. I must forgive him though, because Christians have to forgive. So, if I don’t then I am wrong. 

Saying sorry is not the same as being sorry. 

An apology should consist of 3 things…

  1. A verbal agreement that the action was hurtful and wrong.
  2. Accountability that the action was his decision alone.
  3. True change that you can see he is making consistent and frequent steps towards making good decisions that aren't hurtful.

A verbal apology without real change is manipulation.

Will He Change?

He says he wants to change, and that he will change. And you think he will change too If you leave though, and he changes, then you miss it. So you stay waiting for him to change so all the pain was for nothing. He has good in him too and he's not hurtful all of the time.

If he was going to change, he would have. The promise of change without real change is manipulation.

Will I Miss the Promised Change?

I know it feels like no one knows what you are going through. No one understands that there are good times mixed in with all the bad times. When things are good, they’re really good. And when they’re bad, well you get the idea. 

He says he wants to change, and you believe him. There is good in him too, ya know. So, you wait, and you wait. 

You pray for him, that God would help him with this difficult task. It would be hard for anybody, he needs grace and mercy. 

But the change doesn't come, does it? And you start to blame yourself. And he’s off the hook again.

And promises without follow-through is manipulation.

What next?

Is it starting to seem obvious that you may be dealing with something bigger in your marriage, than you originally thought? Are you unsure what is next? I want to assure you that you do not have to make any decisions right away. Here are some more articles to help you clear the confusion and make hard decisions.

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