11 Things You Must Have as a Single Mother and Abuse Survivor

An Attorney 

A good attorney will help you navigate your divorce and custody battle. Whether you will be going through mediation or litigation, an attorney can help you to navigate the ins and outs of the family court system. They will file court documents on your behalf, represent you in court (or join you in mediation), and help you to understand what the next step is.

Through the process, the court will sign a parenting plan that both parties must comply with. This is an enforceable ruling that determines who gets the children on weekdays, weekends, holidays, and vacations. It also grants the parents a percentage of decision-making sole, shared, or split. 

50/50 decision making is most common and can be the most difficult, especially when there has been a history of abuse.

Having an attorney can help you create a parenting plan that is healthy for your children and limits the opportunity your ex-husband will have to victimize you further.

Get your Guide to Finding the Right Attorney

Quick Answers- Why do you say that? Can you elaborate?

You must have these quick answers in your back pocket.

These two questions are gold! 

1. Why do you say that?
2. Can you explain that better?

They will make your ex-husband own his own words, and makes it difficult for him to manipulate you. 

Asking these questions can buy you a minute to think of what to say. This is valuable time as you try to learn a new way of communicating with him. 

Now that you are no longer giving into him these questions can be helpful in giving you your own power back. The power he should have never taken in the first place. 

Boundaries 

Boundaries are kind of a buzzword. They seem to be everywhere, but do you know what they are?

A boundary shows where something begins and another ends. In marriages where there is abuse, boundaries are non-existent. The abuser typically has complete control over what his wife does, thinks, and feels. 

Boundaries teach people how to treat you, allow you to have control over what happens to you and what’s yours, and keep you safe. 

Can you set boundaries in an abusive marriage? The answer is Yes, but not how you would think. 

Read more about setting boundaries in an abusive marriage here

A friend

If you have a close friend, that is safe and will not report to your abuser on what you are up to, then by all means turn to them for support. 

Support is something we all need. Leaving an abusive marriage can be hard because the isolation you experience sifts out any person who may help you be strong. You see, an abusive husband strategically removes anyone who may help his victim to see what is really going on. His goal is to isolate you, so he can dominate. It is harder to control multiple people than it is to control one.

Having someone to talk to about the good and bad in life, will be very healing.

Believe in Yourself

It’s been no easy task living the life you have lived. You have overcome though, under very difficult circumstances. 

Life is tough, but doesn’t the fact that you are still breathing say the same about you?

Admit to yourself that you have made it through every single thing that has come your way. And start to believe in yourself again.

I am so sorry that it’s been so hard for you! I believe in you, now start believing in yourself!

A Dream

Allow yourself to dream about the future. What would you like your new life to look like?

Would you like to have a house with a picket fence?

Does the sound of owning your own business make your heart leap?

Do you want to go back to school?

If you are not sure how to answer this then try to ask God to give you a glimpse of something to look forward to. He knows you! Cling to Him and seek Him in all you do!

A Hobby

When you start to resemble someone who is completely different than the person you used to be, a new you starts to take form. 

Learn to do something you have always wanted to do. Are you drawn to art, music, writing? Do you love to read but haven’t in a while? Could you start biking or remodeling a part of your home?

You get to be anyone you want to be. And you are never limited to the things you have always done. This can be a great outlet from the day to day life. You are never too old to learn something new.

A Notebook to document

DOCUMENT! DOCUMENT! DOCUMENT! As you co-parent with a toxic ex-husband, it is so important to document. Though most courts will not allow a notebook full of events and dates to be submitted as evidence, it is good to have. Over time you will forget the specifics of an event, or what was happening around that time. Keeping track of dates can be tricky too. 

Here are some ways to help your child through trauma. 

If nothing else, documenting can also be very healing. As you are separated from your abuser and grow as a person, you will start to see patterns in his behavior. You will come to recognize more of the things he is doing and relate them to things that happened in your marriage. 

Songs to Pump you Up

You need a few songs to remind you who you are and where you are going. Go ahead and go blare those tunes! Pull them out when you are feeling down or confused by what is going on around you. Use them to worship God and align your heart with HIS! 

One Last thing! Sing like no one is watching!