The Gift of Parenting- Hope & Help for Single Moms
I don't know any other relationship other than a parent-child relationship, that has so many ups and downs. There are sweet and confusing moments, sad and frustrating moments, cherished and missed moments.
Parenting is both confusing and beautiful!
- You feed a little person who says they're hungry and throws the meal you made on the floor.
- You dress a little person who undresses every time you put clothes on them.
- You get yelled at you because it is time for a bath and they do not want a bath. And now that it's time to get out of the bath they want to stay in longer.
- when you feel like you can't do anything right your little person wants extra snuggles and hugs at bedtime.
- And to end the day, it's a fight to keep them in bed. But in the morning you will be fighting to get them out of bed.
Parenting is hard, and no two days are the same.
One day you may be falling into bed wondering how you made it through the day and the next you may be sad because no one has gotten out of bed and the house feels too quiet.
Single motherhood has its many worries and downsides. We could dwell on how hard it is, and the benefits of a two-parent home, but we won't. Why? Because you already know that being a parent is hard- and a single parent is even harder.
This means you are likely full-time everything to everyone and it doesn't usually seem that there is anyone to help carry the burden or mental load.
Could there be benefits to this season of your life as a single mother?
There sure is!
Give Yourself a Break
Holding yourself to a rigid schedule does allow for room for fun, spontaneity, and natural consequences. These things aren't good on their own schedule keeping is a must. Children need structure and you have too much to juggle to allow things to fall by the wayside. Trust me, I know, everyone needs clean clothes, has places to be, and needs full tummies. And don't even get me started on bathtime and grocery shopping. There are so many things to fit in each day.
Here me out, what if taking it easy every now and then, is just the recharge you need to be able to keep it all together? Allowing time for less rigidity can create time for good things to happen and feed into a full and well-rounded life.
If the only thing that is scheduled for the day is an endless to-do list then when will the laughter happen? When will you have time for dreams and relaxing? Completed tasks will not get you through on the hard days. But you know what will? Memories!
You are not broken because you are not married and your home is not broken because there is not a father in the home. Would it be easier in some ways? Yes, it would. Prioritize family time and fall in love with the family you have.
Build Yourself a Support System
Not every woman has a relationship with her family. If you can lean on your parents, grandparents or siblings for support then count your blessings.
However, if you don't have a relationship now, you can build your own support system. Where may you find people who understand what you are going through, or at least are willing to try?
Find support groups for single moms, or abuse survivors, or start attending a small group for women at your church. This will help you build relationships with people who are near you and hold, at least some, views you do.
Challenges of Mindset
What you look for is what you see. Have you ever bought a car and all of a sudden you start to notice the same type of car at your child's school parking lot, on the road, and maybe even in your neighborhood?
This happens similarly in our relationships and behaviors.
English psychologist Peter Wason coined the term ‘Confirmation Bias’ which is when a person unintentionally looks for evidence in their everyday lives that supports a strong belief they have.
It can happen like this: Say you wake up feeling disappointed that the plans for the day were canceled by a friend. Let’s say that these plans have been made for months and the last-minute cancellation seemed unfair. Without an explanation, you have no idea what happened, and since you were looking forward to the day with your friend, you feel unimportant. You start to think of the other times plans had been canceled and decide that maybe this friend does not value the relationship the same way you do. Now this seems to be more fact-based than just an assumption with each post on Facebook of other things she is committing to or noticing that she doesn't text you as much anymore.
Confirmation bias is not necessarily the truth you see, but more the belief that makes you arrive at a certain conclusion.
In this scenario, you feel your friend doesn't value your friendship because she isn't reaching out. And you look for evidence to confirm this is true.
What do you do?
You ask. And I know that is scary because maybe your friend doesn't have time for you right now. It's not healthy to make people’s minds up for them.
Similarly, we can have beliefs that stifle our joy. Single mothers don’t have it easy. Certain thoughts just are not helpful in your quest to learn to find joy and lean on God.
Here's how this shift can look.
- Notice the story you're telling yourself. This may sound easier said than done. In the example above the story would be “My friend doesn’t value our friendship, other things are more important than me”. This step is important because you need to have a starting place, and the best place to start is right where you are.
- What are the possibilities? Is there a chance that something else is going on that has nothing to do with you? Maybe there is a good explanation for why this specific thing is happening.
What do you do next? You let yourself off of the hook. Well, how do you do that?!? Here is the thing, if you don't let yourself off the hook then you will exhaust yourself by the weight of it all. Letting yourself off the hook means you permit yourself to let go of holding all the responsibility and release the belief that it all depends on you. You can, and should, deal with the part that is yours. Maybe that means that you are being accountable for the things you said, or the areas you could have done better. What this does not mean is that you are anticipating their every thought, move, or intention- because that is not your job and that is not healthy. Forgiveness plays into this step too and is a crucial part of moving forward. This goes far beyond just having a positive outlook.
You Aren’t Doomed
So how can this be applied to single motherhood?
Reread the section above. What are the stories you are telling yourself about being a single parent? Are you reciting all the statistics or a single-parent household? Are you not sure you feel whole without a spouse? Are there other possibilities?
There are some ways you can change your perspective and that usually means that you get honest with where you are, how you got here, and what you want for your family. Are you feeling stuck? Likely, you are not allowing yourself to move forward because you are carrying too many heavy things.
The principles of a healthy single mom can lead to a lot of wonderful outcomes in a single-parent home. But they can also be a source of burnout when they are too stringent.
We've all heard the statistics of children who grow up without a father in the home. It’s ideal for children to have both parents in their lives. God created the family in a specific way for a reason.
But He is not going to abandon you because your family doesn't fit His original design with both a mom and a dad.
Don't believe the lie that children won’t grow up healthy in a single-parent home.
It's not easy, but it is possible to raise healthy children on your own.
The Hardest Job You Have
I think it's safe to say that no matter what you do in life raising children is the most important, and the hardest thing you will ever do.
It's a responsibility that is oftentimes thankless, unseen, and undervalued. Motherhood requires every ounce of your body, mind, and heart. And on this journey, you will live some of your life's best and worst days. Your days are full of hard work, and at times, you can wonder where the payoff is.
Single moms face a lot of struggle and heartache that is unique to their lives. Oftentimes, there is a lack of child support and limited resources to help with the weight of it all.
Let’s be honest- it's hard. Really hard.
Prioritizing your emotional healing is a growth that will help you, not only change your perspective but will also help you to restore your hope in your future.
Put safeguards in place to hold some of the weight.
Safeguards help to keep things on track and release you from the burden of having to stay on top of things all the time.
Set timers for bedtime and help your kids (and yourself) to learn that when the timer goes off then it is time for bed. This can help the timer be the bad guy and something mom has to abide by as well.
Incorporating a morning and bedtime routine can also help things go a little smoother. Start conversions around what the routine is, and the things that need to be done in order to get out of the house on time or in bed on time.
Say “Oh well” when things do not go as planned because they often won't. Recognize that this is not a reflection of you, it is just life. Usually, nothing catastrophic will come of skipping bath time or wearing pants two days in a row.
Allow a monitoring program to carry some weight. This is likely going to give you a lot of peace of mind and allow you to give your kid safety when it comes to technology. You will still be monitoring their phones, tablets, or iPads, but with a lot more ease and without the worry you are missing something.
Pick-up orders can save so much time shopping for groceries when you are a single parent. A response I get all of the time is “I don’t want them picking out my produce or meat, I would not want to buy a lot of what they would give me.” I get it, no one wants bruised and damaged produce. You can do the bulk of your grocery shopping as a pickup order and have to go in for a few items. This saves me four hours a month, a lot of anxiety and not having to keep telling my kids “no” which means I also don't forget as much. I hate the feeling of being in the store for an hour to get in the car with cranky kids because someone wanted a different kind of snack, only to be halfway home and remember I forgot butter. The first time you implement one of these it may take some time to get used to, you will have some pushback. All changes feel weird and takes some time to make your own.
A Safe Haven for You and Your Children
When you think of a haven what comes to mind? Do you imagine a secluded area where no one could stumble upon? Or do you prefer to hide in a busy city? Do fences and gates you a feeling of comfort or feelings of captivity?
You may not be able to build your dream home in the most ideal place. You may not be able to feel the comfort of a home shattered at the foot of a mountain or a home on the wide open plains. But you do have a lot of say on the feel your home has.
To understand what changes should take place for you to have a better quality of life, then first we need to talk about values. For me, an earlier bedtime is a significant part of my needs and health. For others though, a need to stay up a little later may fulfill the same need.
This is something the entire family can participate in, which will increase your chances of this having a lasting impact.
Would you like a printable version? We will email one to you!
You can also get a values assessment geared towards kids right in your inbox. Make this a fun family-building exercise.
Doing this exercise will allow you to pinpoint your biggest values and build your home around them.
Here are a few examples:
If one of your top 5 values is A COMFORTABLE LIFE then you may spend some extra effort on creating a cozy home (or room of your home). Adding throw pillows, blankets, decor, a cozy chair, or anything else that makes that room inviting to you, will help you to feel comfortable in your home.
If one of your top 5 values is WISDOM then you may develop opportunities that allow you to learn. You can dedicate some of your time to growing and allowing this knowledge to move from an awareness to true understanding.
If one of your top 5 values is TRUE FRIENDSHIP then developing friendships you already have, or creating new ones, is going to help you feel more aligned in your life. You may make time to have coffee with a friend, invite family over for dinner, or invite others to enjoy seasonal activities with you and your children.
Choosing not to align your life with your values means that there is friction between your internal and external world. When you take the time to allow your life to reflect your values then you create peace within yourself and in the world around you. Give yourself permission to spend time developing these.
Value-aligning can help your children’s future in a way that goes far beyond life skills. They will be able to use this for their entire life. So, if you are starting over after surviving an abusive relationship- this must be a part of the new home you are building.
You have the Best Help Available
As a Christian woman, you have an advantage in your everyday life and future that others do not.
Having a relationship with God is better than any human relationship you could have. He does not fail the way people do. He does not hall short, and He is always there when you call upon His name.
Building your relationship with God starts with being in God’s word daily. When you learn about the character of God, you will be confident in leaning on who He is because you have built that knowledge and trust in Him.
The only way to make it through this difficulty is with Him!
What to Prioritize and What to Let Go
If single parenting is something you want to do well, then it’s possible that you are losing sight of what matters. In everyday life, it is easy to chip away at the never-ending to-do list and leave little time for bonding and creating memories.
Simply put, sometimes our desires are so strong that we become out of balance. This can look like wanting to control everything or becoming immovable with the pressures of a single mom's life.
As a single mom you have the toughest job, it is more than ok to make it as easy on yourself as you can. I hope that this article will give you some ideas of where you can put your energy to create a life with less friction, a life that is aligned, and a life that is the ultimate haven for you and your children.
Bonus Prayer
Dear Heavenly Father,
I lift this woman (reading this) to you in prayer. I ask that you help her to be sensitive to your leading and give her the honesty she needs to be real with you and with herself about where she is at. Give her an ever-growing desire to know you and to be close to you.
Give her the shift in perspective that will allow her to lean on you for all of her needs emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. As she learns to sit at your feet I ask you will heal her and help her grow, and more importantly, I pray her love for you will grow into a life-changing and consuming love.
In the name of Jesus Christ, I pray, Amen!
